RONALDO MAKES HISTORY

In front of 68,000 soccer fans at a packed stadium in Budapest on Tuesday, Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo became the biggest goalscorer in the history of the European championship finals.

The 36-year-old superstar (No. 7 in photo) had been level with 1980s French superstar Michel Platini before kicking his 106th international goal. He netted two in Portugal’s 3-0 win against Hungary in their Euro 2020* opener in Puskas Arena.

All three of Portugal’s goals came in an eight-minute blitz late in the game. Hungary’s goalkeeper Peter Gulacsi battled valiantly to stop a barrage of scoring attempts before Ronaldo slipped one past him.

And the beat goes on with many more matches in packed stadiums in eleven host cities through to the final on July 11.

MEANWHILE, IN THE ZOMBIE WORLD

These two politicians each control a nuclear arsenal that could annihilate the human race — an uptight, legs crossed old fool and a man-spreading tough guy.

But whatever they’re cooking up, fuck ‘em. We the People are watching the soccer, and closer to home, the Stanley Cup hockey finals. Life’s too short to worry about lying, corrupt ego-maniacal ass’oles.

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*A note on that annoying 2020 in the name. The European Championships were postponed a year because of the global pandemic but European football’s governing body decided that it still be called Euro 2020 — a unnecessary and confusing decision.

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