Avoiding the Lake of Fire

Demons and ghosts

This is the house of sloth. Nothing much goes on here except a whole lot of drinking and thinking. 

The lowly bungalow is small but large with demons and ghosts. They are real. There’s no room for fantasy here, no room for fairy tales. Our Father who art in heaven art not here. Father Christmas never comes down the chimney. The Easter Bunny hops right on by. Puff the Magic Dragon never shows up.

There is some magic going on, however. Mandrake the Magician often makes an appearance and gestures hypnotically, causing the occupant of the house (that’d be me) to see illusions, but at least no delusions, neither of grandeur nor of glory nor of the kingdom of heaven — only of the pit of hell where ‘the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars… will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulphur, which is the second death.’ [Revelations 21:8]

The Bible calls it the ‘second death,’ but I call it the first, here on Earth, in this life — and I am guilty on four counts out of eight. Not a good verdict — not amounting to hell in the first degree perhaps, nor in the second, but maybe in the third, so less time in the lake of fire. Perhaps I’ll catch a break and be guilty of the lesser offense of man/soul slaughter, or get even luckier and get the minimum charge of reckless endangerment with a life/soul, which carries no time in the lake of fire.

Well, hello, Mandrake just dropped in and he’s had a busy day gesturing hypnotically. He wants a vodka martini and I’m just the man to make it for him.

Demons and ghosts

— Image trick by Outosego

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The 26th Dimension

Wife gone a long time

The madman’s wife had been gone a long time and he didn’t know where she was. 

When he told some people he figured she was in oblivion they shook their heads and told him she was not in oblivion, she was in Heaven. 

The widower, an avid researcher as his future obit would note, looked up the only Heaven he had heard of and in fact the only one that appeared to exist — Heaven, Texas — and after checking the populace he could tell you, as he told the angelic head-shakers, his wife was not in Heaven, Texas.

Wife gone a long time

Just for the hell of it, as absurd and unnecessary as it was, he decided to check out the only hell he knew — Hell, Michigan — and of course his wife was not there as he knew she wouldn’t be. She was a good person. Sure, she drank a lot and smoked a lot of grass, but there was no way in hell his wife wasn’t a good person.

Wife gone a long time

Then someone told him she was in Paradise. Well, dammit, there were twenty-seven Paradises in America. He set to it. And over several days he checked all the Paradises through various means available on the Internet (some for which he had to take out a subscription) and what he found out was that his wife wasn’t in any of them.

So it was back to square one, or as he put it, circle one, as in the big O.

Wife gone a long time

Then, what do ya know, he found it. In the year 3031, on a planet millions of light years from Earth, there is a town called Oblivion. Someone even made a totally forgettable movie about it in 1994, called, not so slyly, Oblivion, a film that slipped by him and just about everyone else like a distant comet in the night.

Okay, so this was where he would direct all his mental energy. It would be difficult. It would require going through a wormhole. He bought a bunch of books on wormholes and rented several episodes of the TV series Through the Wormhole narrated by Morgan Freeman. He was reading those books and watching that series for weeks. He had the empty liquor bottles to prove it.

Not to leave a stone unturned, he went out into his backyard and turned over a stone and unearthed an earthworm. Sure enough, the earthworm scurried down a wormhole. The avid researcher studied the wormhole but no clue was to found there.

It was five o’clock. He went back inside the house and entered into another consultation with Jack Daniels.

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One hell of a sermon

LogoLet this preacher loose among a gang of murderers and lowlife thugs and he’d straighten them out in a New York minute.

Rev. Charles Lawson would do more to stop crime in the streets than any police force or social counsellor.

The pastor’s powerful voice would scare the worst godless bastard to death with a terrifying fear of a burning hell.

Preacher scares you righteous


He gives them fair warning: “Hell is full of murderers.”

Criminals run wild because “this brainwashed generation will embrace anything,” he tells his congregation in Temple Baptist Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. And if they are finally caught, the judges let them go free. “Nobody is convicted of anything anymore.”

In a country where law and order itself has gone all to hell, Lawson preaches the gospel of fire and brimstone.

“There are murderers in this town who would blow your brains out right now for a fix of crack cocaine,” he hollers. “It doesn’t cross their murdering minds that they’re going to burn in hell.”

Hell also has its share of politicians and greedy millionaires, he notes. And more than that. “Without God, everybody would be in hell in a heartbeat,” he says.

“There’s just one name that can keep you out of hell,” he booms, “and that name is Jesus.”

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