A dangerous journey

Oblivion is a long way. It will take him a long time to get there. Heaven is closer. Naturally he will stop off there on the way but he doesn’t expect to find anything. So he will continue on his journey to Oblivion.

Oblivion IS a place. It is not a void, as many would have us believe. Our antihero tends to avoid voids. Admittedly it is dark and lonely and endless. Like the universe. Of which it is a part. But if you travel far enough and deep enough you will find a corner of light and inside the light you will find the lost souls of loved ones.

It is there that he hopes to find his companion. She has been gone for two years. Most people who lose a loved one get over it and move on with their lives. He can’t seem to do that. He doesn’t know why. People tell him he’s insane to pursue her. Insane to undertake a journey to Oblivion.

To which he replies, For the past two years my life has not been worth living. I need to be with her. It’s worth a shot.

And he pulled the trigger.

[Back to the front page]

‘Across Many a Bad Night’


Susan died going on two years now and she’s still dead.

I have it on reasonably reliable authority that she will be dead forever. That’s a long time. I can’t wait that long. Who could? It’s an unreasonable demand.

I would give my left eye to have her back — wait, I can’t give that, I already gave that in battle. Okay, I’d give my left arm to have her back.

Since, according to those same reliable sources, that also is impossible, I keep a bullet in the chamber for when the time comes.

Having a gun on hand with a bullet in the chamber is a good deterrent, at least in the short term, against suicide. Knowing you can take the gun and press the barrel to your head at any time forestalls the action.

Until it doesn’t.

As the German philosopher Friederich Nietzsche wrote: “The thought of suicide is a great source of comfort; with it a calm passage is to be made across many a bad night.”

For those who don’t like to be tempted, there’s this:


WorldWideWeb artisan N., an ethereal friend to countless many social networkers, who goes by the handle outosego (https://outosego.com) made this video for me. It’s beautiful.

Back to the front page

Searcher in the spirit world

What happened to Mister Gregarious?

You were ready to rejoin society. You made arrangements to move from New York closer to a friend in the south. But then covid came along and you were locked down like everybody else and the moving company cancelled on you and you were stuck in that death house as before but this time in a deepening depression.

Gradually in your isolation you went mad. Not stark raving mad like a dangerous lunatic, just quietly and harmlessly mad like an imbued soul. Someone who is not of this world anymore, living in a netherworld, far away in your mind.

After the move was cancelled the deathbed scene returned to play over and over in your brain — Intensive Care, holding her hand, still warm in yours — until it wasn’t, the life support machine beeping — until it wasn’t. She was all you had after losing your family. You could not deal with that final loss. You wanted no one else. A dead soulmate is not like a dead cat. She cannot be replaced. Loneliness stretched out before you like a road you could not travel and you slipped further into isolation.

Lonely man in liquor store

It’s a strange place to be for a once gregarious raconteur. Now you see no one and talk to no one, except the guy in the liquor store and the clerks at the convenience store. All communication has stopped between you and the scattered remnants of your extended family. A couple of them used to call but they got sick of hearing about your dead wife.

You used to travel all over the world, alone, and with your wife. Now you walk through the woods looking for her. You don’t expect to meet her in any physical sense. You’re not expecting a reunion. All you hope for is some kind of communion. In the mind of your new madness you are searching for her spirit, her essence, her energy.

You are a pilgrim in a phantasy. You say hello to Alice. In this new world, electrical essence flows in reverse. Reality becomes unreality. The impossible becomes possible. Hopelessness becomes hope. Death becomes life.

Back to the front page