The Jackdaw of Unreason shares his wisdom on the new masked society

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE JACKDAW OF UNREASON

Our old friend the Jackdaw of Unreason flew in from the west to talk about the new masked society.

He was interviewed by our Central Park correspondent near the East Meadow at Fifth Avenue and 97th Street. The reporter was wearing a mandated face mask.

REPORTER: Welcome Jackdaw, thanks for dropping by — oh, er, I hate to point out the obvious, but you’re not wearing a mask.

JACKDAW: Damn face masks! Do you know how many I’ve been through? Every time I put one on, my beak rips a hole in it.

REPORTER: I can see that would be a problem. Okay, we’ll keep our eyes peeled for the Covid cops.

NO END IN SIGHT

JACKDAW: This mask law is turning society into an episode of The Twilight Zone. Imagine if you will an entire population that must always cover their faces. A guy can’t even meet a girl or a girl meet a guy in a public place anymore because they don’t know what each other looks like. A guy might have nice hair and smiling eyes but a cruel mouth. And vice versa.

REPORTER: Do do see any end to the face mask rule, Jackdaw, and all the other restrictions?

JACKDAW: I do not. I think it’s just going to get worse. Politicians are turning all of society into a miserable unhappy existence of isolation and loneliness — and in many cases, suicide.

REPORTER: You paint a very bleak picture, Jackdaw— Oh-oh, here comes a Covid cop. You could get arrested for not wearing a mask. You better take off.

JACKDAW: On my way. We’ll finish this another time.

ATTICA! ATTICA!

The jackdaw flies off. A cop wearing a face shield comes over.

COP: I saw that. That bird wasn’t wearing a mask. You may have been exposed. I’ll have to take you in — you’re going into quarantine.

REPORTER: I’m wearing a mask, for god sake!

COP: Haven’t you heard? You gotta wear a face shield now. The virus can get in through the eyes — aren’t you keeping up on this stuff?

REPORTER: Of course, up to a point, but the eye thing is pushing it. What’s next? Hazmat suits?

COP: You heard, huh? Okay, let’s go.

REPORTER [into cell phone as the cop leads him away]: Hey, chief, tomorrow’s front page — Hazmat suits!


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Silver Surfer interview ruffles Jackdaw of Unreason’s feathers

The Jackdaw of Unreason, who we interviewed last week, was hopping mad about a comment made by the Silver Surfer in an exclusive interview with American Daze Purple Haze.

The Jackdaw said he was ridiculed and demeaned, and requested an opportunity to defend his reputation. This second interview with the Jackdaw took place in Central Park.

ADPH: Welcome back, Jackdaw. How was your flight to New York?

TJOU: The sky was empty.

ADPH. This damn Covid. Let’s get straight to it. What did you find offensive in the Silver Surfer interview?

TJOU: Your exclusive guest, the famous, infamous Silver Surfer implied that I was a fool for believing in God and in Heaven.

ADPH: How so?

TJOU: When he said such beliefs were illogical, you said, and I quote: “Our guest last week had a different view of that.” To which the Silver Surfer replied: “Who was your guest last week?” And you said: “The Jackdaw of Unreason.” And that arrogant jerk said: “I think you’ve just answered your own question.”

ADPH: Okay. I see the implication there. So tell me, Jackdaw, what makes you so certain there is a God and a Heaven?

TJOU: My learning and enlightenment. I was raised in the Holy Seed.

ADPH: You mean the Holy See.

TJOU: Huh? The holy see what? The Holy Seed, man! You must know what that is.

ADPH: Pray tell.

TJOU: The Holy Seed of Saskatchewan.

ADPH: Ah, of course. Is that where you studied orni-theology?

TJOU: Indeed. I studied under the Great Loon of the Heavens. 

ADPH: Are you referring to the loonie bird of Canada?

TJOU: Please — we don’t use the word loonieHe was the most revered Being in Western Canada.

ADPH: Was?

TJOU: You must have read about it.

ADPH: We don’t get much news from Saskatchewan here.

TJOU: He was shot out of the sky by hunters.

ADPH: Oh my god!

TJOU: Precisely. He fell to earth. Assassinated. And then the bastards from hell plucked Him clean and roasted Him over a campfire — and then they — oh, the horror — ate Him.

ADPH: Jeez, that’s awful.

TJOU: And they washed Him down with Moosehead beer.

ADPH: Shocking! A bird like that deserves a fine Sauvignon Blanc.

TJOU: Huh? [The Jackdaw is suddenly overcome with emotion] Oh, God, the sheer memory of it renders me too distraught to continue. I have to leave.

ADPH: Flying back so soon?

TJOU: Yes, yes, I must be off.

ADPH: Well, thanks for dropping by — and, hey, watch out for those hunters out there.


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