Dogface Jesus Cometh

BONE GAP, Illinois — A new messiah has surfaced in this small town (pop. 181) and announced he is setting out on a mission to get dogs — and all pets — admitted into Heaven.

“My evangel will be to disavow the traditional belief that Heaven is only for human beings,” he said in a speech that was broadcast on WPSX in Mount Vernon, Illinois, and picked up on several national networks.

“Not only dogs should be admitted to Heaven,” he added, “but cats and bunnies and hampsters and horses and birds and fish — all members, in fact, of the Animal Kingdom.”

Dogface Jesus the new messiah
Dogface Jesus, the new messiah.

Dogface Jesus said he will travel the country and spread his gospel among the 85 million pet owners in America — 67 percent of the population.

All animals would enter through a special entrance that would adjoin, and be wider than Heaven’s Narrow Gate, he said. The entrance must be wider to accommodate larger animals like elephants, he noted. Certain creatures such as reptiles, insects, spiders and other arachnids would not be admitted.

Dog and all pet owners throughout America flooded social media with comments of unbridled delight.

Their joy was summed up in a statement from Lady Gaga: “A Heaven for dogs! Oh, happy day!”

Dogface Jesus the new messiah
Lady Gaga and her French bulldogs.

As one elderly cat owner said: “Now I don’t have to go to Heaven without my Bella. Glory be to Dogface Jesus.”

Developing story — more to come.


Back to the front page

 

Comment