Searcher in the spirit world

What happened to Mister Gregarious?

You were ready to rejoin society. You made arrangements to move from New York closer to a friend in the south. But then covid came along and you were locked down like everybody else and the moving company cancelled on you and you were stuck in that death house as before but this time in a deepening depression.

Gradually in your isolation you went mad. Not stark raving mad like a dangerous lunatic, just quietly and harmlessly mad like an imbued soul. Someone who is not of this world anymore, living in a netherworld, far away in your mind.

After the move was cancelled the deathbed scene returned to play over and over in your brain — Intensive Care, holding her hand, still warm in yours — until it wasn’t, the life support machine beeping — until it wasn’t. She was all you had after losing your family. You could not deal with that final loss. You wanted no one else. A dead soulmate is not like a dead cat. She cannot be replaced. Loneliness stretched out before you like a road you could not travel and you slipped further into isolation.

Lonely man in liquor store

It’s a strange place to be for a once gregarious raconteur. Now you see no one and talk to no one, except the guy in the liquor store and the clerks at the convenience store. All communication has stopped between you and the scattered remnants of your extended family. A couple of them used to call but they got sick of hearing about your dead wife.

You used to travel all over the world, alone, and with your wife. Now you walk through the woods looking for her. You don’t expect to meet her in any physical sense. You’re not expecting a reunion. All you hope for is some kind of communion. In the mind of your new madness you are searching for her spirit, her essence, her energy.

You are a pilgrim in a phantasy. You say hello to Alice. In this new world, electrical essence flows in reverse. Reality becomes unreality. The impossible becomes possible. Hopelessness becomes hope. Death becomes life.

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In Bad with the Good Lord


You pray in your own way which is not the customary way not the rosary way but nonetheless you pray to become imbued with a spirituality to become captivated held captive if necessary by a spiritualism that would hold the possibility of being reunited if not physically obviously not physically then metaphysically with your wifes spirit her essence her psychic presence her courage her mind her heart but the Good Lord in his infinite wisdom (surely you jest sir) or should I say the Bad Lord in his spiteful revenge (oh you will go to hell for that sir) a cosmic sadist so to speak as did speak or rather wrote CS Lewis playing Devils advocate in his brutally honest book A Grief Observed this invisible Force that is not With You this Phantom this Almighty Ghost Who Doesnt Walk denies you imbuement in both the natural world and the otherworldly supernatural world

For some godless diabolical reason sir you are unimbueable

At this point you may seek enlightenment from enlightened souls like Mitch Teemley who I humbly acknowledge sometimes reads my posts or from the intricate mind and caring heart of a blogger known simply as Dot who recently bugged out of the blogosphere to seek a Reunion With Silence

But expect none of the above to be forthcoming sir for I do believe you are expecting too much both in spiritual imbuement and enlightenment and I would furthermore advise you to cease overreaching and content yourself with the memories sir the memories of S

Header photo and video effect by Outosego