‘Across Many a Bad Night’


Susan died going on two years now and she’s still dead.

I have it on reasonably reliable authority that she will be dead forever. That’s a long time. I can’t wait that long. Who could? It’s an unreasonable demand.

I would give my left eye to have her back — wait, I can’t give that, I already gave that in battle. Okay, I’d give my left arm to have her back.

Since, according to those same reliable sources, that also is impossible, I keep a bullet in the chamber for when the time comes.

Having a gun on hand with a bullet in the chamber is a good deterrent, at least in the short term, against suicide. Knowing you can take the gun and press the barrel to your head at any time forestalls the action.

Until it doesn’t.

As the German philosopher Friederich Nietzsche wrote: “The thought of suicide is a great source of comfort; with it a calm passage is to be made across many a bad night.”

For those who don’t like to be tempted, there’s this:


WorldWideWeb artisan N., an ethereal friend to countless many social networkers, who goes by the handle outosego (https://outosego.com) made this video for me. It’s beautiful.

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5 thoughts on “‘Across Many a Bad Night’

  1. The National Suicide Prevention number was an important inclusion. It does save lives and should always be “First Choice” when one feels like there needs to be a choice at all. Looking forward Bill to hearing about how you cope with this issue that plagues so many of us. Sometimes, just knowing we’re not alone helps! Good Luck my friend!

  2. [ ]

    Not an easy topic, i have to admit. Not easy at all. On the other hand, i’ ve read your stories, dear Sir, and i know.

    As the wonderful gentleman mention in a previous comment ” The National Suicide Prevention number is an important inclusion. “..

    All i can say is that there is a cause, always a reason, and not a natural law or root which leads there. Which means with some proper help someone will be able to overcome.

    Thank you for the mention and your kind words, dear Sir.

  3. Yes, the Suicide Prevention LIFEline is crucial to helping solve the tragedy of suicide, particularly among young people who have whole lives yet to live.