Generation X guru and Nirvana front man Kurt Cobain died from the blast of a 20-gauge shotgun on April 5, 1994. He was 27.
RAMBLING SUICIDE NOTE
Inside the greenhouse, Kurt apparently took some drugs from a cigar box that contained his stash and wrote a rambling, emotional note in red ink. He placed his wallet on the floor, open to his Washington driver’s license, which friends believe was to help the police identify him.
SACRIFICED HIMSELF FOR BABY DAUGHTER
My circled emphasis shows that he killed himself because: “I can’t stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I’ve become.” And that “her life will be so much happier without me.”
But the murder theory sticks — and the suspect is Courtney Love, his wife and mother of his daughter. Their relationship had been tempestuous and violent. But what was her motive?
A month before his death, Kurt reportedly told his Los Angeles lawyer, Rosemary Carroll, that he wanted Courtney out of his will because he was planning to file for divorce.
He also said he planned to quit Nirvana and the music business because he couldn’t handle the fame, and it infuriated Courtney that he would walk away from his $10-million career.
Money, fame and drug, murder theorists claim, gave Courtney the motive to kill her husband.
Nirvana — Smells Like Teen Spirit
SUICIDE NOTE BELIES MURDER THEORY
To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven’t felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things.
For example, when we’re back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins, it doesn’t affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can’t fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I’m having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I’ve tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe me, I do, but it’s not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they’re gone. I’m too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I’ve had a much better appreciation for all the people I’ve known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can’t get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don’t you just enjoy it? I don’t know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can’t stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I’ve become.
I have it good, very good, and I’m grateful, but since the age of seven, I’ve become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I’m too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I’ll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!”
Billy, so much suffering in people’s lives! Being sensitive really is hard. And in Cobain’s case, being dragged along by his audience’s expectation of him must not be fun, plus he also had the pressure from his wife’s ambition🍄 I wish he could’ve realized that his gift was not meant to please others, but to lead himself out of the sink hole, although if on the way out he could also give others a hand, that would be a bonus 🍒 The lesson I learned from this case is – passion about something is the lifeline one must try to cultivate and hold on 🐞 I am not an enthusiastic person by nature, but I’m learning to sort of hand-make it for myself 🐌
Thank you for sharing this, Bill. Especially the content of Cobain’s suicide note. His honesty and understanding about his own self. It makes one wonder about the dangers of a far too sensitive mind.
True. Some people can’t handle fame, but he was a good man, as he himself wrote in the note: “There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much…” He loved his baby daughter that’s for sure.
Yes. As he acknowledged in the note, he was a “sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man.”
By passion I didn’t mean love for people, Billy, I meant the things that one feels passionate about. In his suicide note, he revealed that he had lost the enthusiasm about his play on the stage, to the extent that he had to fake it. I guess at that point his taste in music had changed, that he no longer liked to make the same kind of music that gave him his fan base in the first place. I wish he could’ve allowed himself the freedom to make whatever new style of music he liked, no matter his fans would like it or not. That’s why I said one must try to cultivate and hold on to the passion about something … 🦋
Yes, as it turned out, “nirvana” wasn’t his bliss, but his purgatory.
According to Freud, there are two forces. The first against and towards thyself. This force wants to kill thyself. The second against and towards the first force, defending and trying to keep thyself alive. Freud had the nerve to call this ‘law’.
He wasn’t able to understand there is always a reason, not a law, when it comes to suicide. Always a reason, not a law. Spoken or unspoken, written or unwritten.
I think Freud was the Jackdaw of Unreason. And yes, there is “always a reason,” stronger at that moment than survival. It is a battle, though.
Undoubtedly there is a battle, dear Sir. I just wrote the comment above because i remember things, professors, lectures, etc. on the topic, and a bunch of nonsense.
I have Freud in my bookcase, most of his work. I know which part is good and which part is garbage. I, also, know, how he tried to work old ideas. I don’t accuse for this of course. But i strongly recommend the young people to read you, and not Freud -they are free to do whatever they like, of course- and to discuss with you. I wouldn’t recommend Freud even if he was alive.
Ps: i don’t mean we don’t need some kind of help sometimes. Sometimes. we need to discuss on things we think we’ve lost ourselves, or whatever the problem might be and it is difficult to handle it. Which means we need to talk with a specialist. Most of the times if we open our heart to a completely stranger helps much more. This is my personal point of view and nobody has to listen to me.
Dear friend, you know more about Freud than I do — I am not qualified to really talk about him, the only Freud book I have in my bookcase is his “Interpretation of Dreams,” which I find interesting but a labored effort to read. Did I read you correctly when your wrote in the above reply “I recommend the young people to read you…” — I must have misread that, surely you don’t mean me (“Yes, I do, and don’t call me Shirley!”) — I am not worthy of that. As for psychologists and/or psychiatrists in general, I don’t need a psychoanalyst to analyze my psyche. I live in and with my mind every waking (and as Freud would have it, every sleeping) moment and I know what’s going on in there. As for suicide it requires Total Commitment — I think about it every day but since I live alone and to avoid the humiliation of my body lying here for many days, perhaps weeks before anyone decides to check on me, I have to to make sure I am totally committed to pulling the trigger when I call 911 to report “a suicide in progress.” Ha-ha, I like that phrase. Don’t worry my friend in the unknown ether, I am not planning to pull the trigger, just talking here, in a roundabout way about this and that. To be cont.
https://twitter.com/outosego/status/1275191007664132097
Empaths kill themselves more frequently I think as narcissists would blame everyone else.. he is blaming himself in this and he didnt deserve to.. that said empathy is a gift and there is a lot of toxicity out there.. this is so sad and I wonder what the truth was.. we may never know but only the good die young.. I do believe that and often empaths die carrying the load others dumped on them or that we sucked up due to being so goddam sensitive.
All that is true. Kurt loved his wife and his daughter so much that he feared his “erratic, moody” personality, the demons inside him, would bring pain to them if he continued to live.